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Before he married her, I had this illusion that those of us in the ashram were sort of 'spiritually married' to him like nuns were supposed to be to Jesus. So when the announcement was made about the marriage, I think I went into shock a little. I wish it had upset me enough to leave the whole charade, but it didn't. I was so jealous of her and despised her at the same time. I was angry at him for destroying my fantasy, especially since I was being a good celibate ashram premie, and he was 'giving in to his carnal desires'.
I was heartbroken and yes, furious, when he married
Posted by:
Aquinas
Date:
09/30/2023, 21:22:49
Original URL:
Click here (However, the link may be stale.)
It wasn't that I wanted a physical relationship with him, because he wasn't particularly attractive except as a spiritual leader, but I did want to be a chosen one.In my mind he was above all that carnal stuff because he was God. So the fact that he was a fat and unattractive person IRL was ok. I focussed on the spiritual aspect of being a devotee.So it was a very confusing and upsetting time for me, and I never got over my initial dislike of her, not because of anything she had done or who she might have been in real life (at that time), but because she had been the chosen one and I wasn't. In those days, it was all about the 'grace race' to me. So yes, jealousy (or perhaps it was envy) first and then anger (at both of them) and finally just a simmering dislike of her. I don't think anyone could have said anything good about her that I would have taken on board. I just sort of rewrote my fantasy to allow me to accept that he was still God, playing his lila and that I just had to 'surrender' more.'<'v>When I think back on any of this stuff I am disgusted with myself, but even more so with those two for pretending that the whole thing was any more than a teenage boy's lust driving him to marry someone, anyone, so he could have sex without losing too much face.
When I worked at Visions I was further 'enlightened' to discover that everyone knew about Monika and that she was never to be in the building when Marolyn came for a visit. I think that was the only time I might have felt a little sorry for her, but that feeling didn't last long because she wasn't easy to like (IMO) when she did come over. She sort of lorded it over us 'little people'. Fortunately she didn't visit often.It was while working at Visions that I got to see a lot more of the little god man in real life, when he wasn't playing 'big G' God, and it changed me. I remember sitting on a table in Judy's office when God walked into the room. Judy and I had been chatting and I just kept sitting on the table, swinging my legs while he chatted awkwardly. He looked at me strangely, as if he wanted to say, 'What the hell are you doing sitting there when I walk into a room? Why haven't you jumped up and then tried to do pranam?' Of course no one in Visions jumped up or tried to do pranam, that would have been uncool, but I suppose I should have at least stood up out of respect (Judy did). I don't know why I didn't. I think by that time I was probably 'getting over' my awe of him. And once that was gone, well, it was probably inevitable that I would eventually leave the cult. I mean, if God isn't God anymore, then what's the point of following him?But boy god and his wife both disgust me to this day. That is, when I even bother to think about them. Because as someone on here said, actions are what counts, and their actions scream out who they are - degenerate and entitled monsters.
