I was never a 'Mahatma' but I was a part-time Instructor for around a year. I went through Instructor Training in 1987 in Kuala Lumpur. I don't really remember the fine details of it, but I remember a lot of theory and a lot of emphasis on the guru, and we did have a final written exam (multiple choice I think) at the end. During that test, Daya was wandering around the room. I am not sure why, but she was there as was the guru. And of course the guru conducted a K review for us as well. His fingers on my eyes didn't show me any more light than Padarthanand's did but he didn't push as hard either (it was nearing the Rejoice times I think when we were told not to push so hard). Everything I saw in the light could be explained as a physiological process. And having him touch me wasn't a cosmic experience either. But in my brainwashed state, everything he did was perfect and the fault always had to be mine if it wasn't as he said.

What I took away from the training was that our job was to convince people that they had to have this K and that it all came from the guru through his amazing grace so they had to worship him. I don't remember feeling any cynicism about this at the time. We were told not to reveal K to anyone who wasn't prepared to accept the guru as Lord. I know I felt really unprepared at the end of the whole training, wondering what in hell any of it meant, and feeling confused about the whole 'giving Knowledge' thing. But being as mind-f*cked as I already was, I just accepted that 'his grace' would show me what to do when I needed to do it. 

I only ever conducted one K session before we part-time instructors were all fired the following year. So my total time as a part-time Instructor was short. While living in one city for six months, I gave lots of 'satsang' and held a K prep session. When doing the selection for the K session, everyone in the group appeared 'ready' (they accepted the guru as the 'giver of K') except for this one really stubborn (read that as smart) lady who just couldn't get past all the guru's flaws and faults and couldn't see how I wasn't the one giving the K but the guru was. I was torn about whether or not to let her into the session, but in the end I felt she had 'mellowed' enough about the guru to be included. My decision was highly influenced by the fact that I was planning to leave that city not many weeks after the session and by the fact that I liked her. 

According to the rules, I probably should have made her wait until another instructor passed through there but I worried that she might 'slip through the cracks' - obviously a lack of faith on my part.

Anyway, in the K session she told me she didn't experience anything, so all I could do was tell her to meditate more. The others all seemed to be ok - probably mass self-delusion - despite the fact that I felt no grace flowing through me and all I did was show them 4 different techniques of meditation. 

I gave them a K review just before leaving and I am pretty confident that the 'doubter' didn't continue for long after I left town. Looking back, I don't know why the drips didn't start then and there for me. This whole thing was a big fake.

So, on the one hand, I probably broke the rules as set down by the boy god, but on the other hand, that lady might be the only one who didn't fall for the scam in the end, so in doing the wrong thing, I actually did the right thing? I just hope that the rest of that K group came to their senses later and walked away like I did. I hate to think of the damage I caused to those who ended up staying with the guru. I hope they all made it out. I feel bad for the influence I had on them, but like me, they have to accept some responsibility for their decisions and choices in their lives. I didn't set out to deceive anyone and in fact, I didn't even realise that I had been deceived myself until years later. Prem turned us into con artists by conning us himself and recruiting others to help him con others. His con is a compound con, layer upon layer. He made the conned become the conners without realising it or even seeing that they had been conned. 

I truly hope that such a thing as karma actually exists (although I doubt it) because Prem deserves to experience the full weight of his actions - towards his followers and his family. As for whether or not the Mahatmas deserve punishment as well, I don't know. If they were anything like me, they might have sincerely believed in the things that they were told. One has to suspend disbelief to do so, but human beings are funny creatures - we often want to believe in something that can't possibly be true. It's pathetic, but also very human. So for me, the buck stops at the guru.