All the best,

Are you an American Indian or an India Indian?

What a laugh that a doctor recommended that you stop practicing Knowledge.  I think many doctors would feel the same way.    RawAss doesn't have a chance for the legitimacy he is trying to obtain.

I do think it is true that the pursuit of Knowledge can be very detrimental for some people.  Afterall, the premie is supposed to be constantly striving for peace and in the ongoing, never-ending process of becoming more and more peaceful.  It can be very frustrating, always feeling you are never good enough or close enough.

I am sorry that you have had such a traumatic time over the last 3 years but I am very happy to hear that you broke free. You probably know from your readings of the websites that many of us here were enslaved Assfollowers (I like your humour!) for decades - so well done!

"He sucked up my soul"

Yes, you can really find that your surrender your personal power and spirit to the 'Ass'. Add your time, money, friends and family and what is left? That is what has happened to some old time premies that I know. They are facing old age with nothing more than total trust in an imaginary friend and Lord. For them it is too confronting to face the shocking, perhaps devasting truth.

I'm pleased that you had the advice and support of such a good doctor and even more the precious love for your family. One of the most destructive things about involvement in the cult is how it can interfere with the important relationships in one's life.

I'm really glad that the forums and websites have helped you. I found them invaluable when I came out of the cult about 6 years ago. In fact, if it were not for the information I read there, I could well be still in the cult. There are some good people here and I have had the pleasure to meet and become friends with some of them since.

For me life gets better and better the further I travel forwards from my days as an AF. I wish the same for you.

Warm regards,

Thank you everyone for your kind words. My first post to this thread was sort of impulsive. My desperation and anger towards M made me write it. I have no other way to vent out my anger at him.

Will, I'm from India. At present I'm living in US. I got K in India. Though I was born into a Hindu family, I never used to go to temples. My parents were not orthodox. But I used to like the character of Krishna in our legends. As a child, I prayed to Krishna in my mind to help me. My parents were always and still are skeptical about all these Godmen in India whose number is multiplying day by day. I also believed that all these people are No.1 parasitic frauds who scavenged on live human beings. But always this question used to bother me that what is the purpose of this life?

When I was a 20 year old, I came to know from some friends that there is a program called Art of Living (AOL) going on for months in my city. The people who were behind the program were followers of an Indian guru named Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Although I was skeptical about Ravi Shankar, I liked the course because they taught us some ancient Indian breathing techniques like Pranayama and some simple yogic exercises and a special meditation technique called sudarshana kriya. I payed Rs.500 ($10) for the one week course! Also they made us go to other participants of the course (strangers to me!) and say that 'I belong to you'. They made us do many such cracy but fun activities. I practiced their meditation technique for one year daily. It was kind of good. The AOL people used to call me for Satsangs in their homes. I just attended one. During satsangs they sing bhajans in praise of their guru and all of us practised the meditation together. I didn't like it. Once I also attended a public lecture by Ravi Shankar, when he came to my city. I knew he was cunning, from the evasive and vague answers he gave to someone's questions. After that I lost interest in all these.

Then one day when I was 22 year old, one of my acquaintances invited me to M's video presentation. I was expecting some old Indian guru wearing orange clothes speaking about boring things. But I was shocked by the apprearacne of M, wearing a suit like Westerners and speaking in English like Americans. He was talking about the difference between feeling and thinking. That was the first time I had listened to somebody talk on the importance of feeling over thinking. He also told great things about K. I was like a child with watery mouth waiting to gulp the honey that he promised to give. I thought he will teach K at the end of the presentation. But was disppointed when I heard that I had to wait for six months and attend video presentation every week! But I was happy with myself. I thought M knew the answer to my question about pupose of life. I belived that this was what I've always been wanting for in my life. So I attended the video presentations for six months and by this time I totally trusted in M. Finally I got K in an event attended by M himself. I was all excited to get K. That day there was darshan of M, where everyone touched M's feet. I also touched his feet. M might have been laughing inside seeing thousands of people coming and touching his clumsy little feet and showing respect to him. He might have been rejoicing over the foolishness of people like me.

Anyway I didn't feel anything when I practised K for the first time. But M had told us that some poeple are like coconuts. It will take some time for the plant inside to break through the hard shell and come out. So I waited. After some months, I thought K worked for me. I was feeling very happy inside, centered and clear. But that time I forgot to pay attention to one more thing that happened to me. I became insensitive to other human beings, including my friends and family. Their sadness and happiness stopped affecting me. I think the more I was going into me, the more selfish I became. M's words added fuel into my fire. He used to tell that the whole world is out there to take you away from the good feeling. Only the Master's words help you to stay in that feeling. Also my good feeling vanished in a week and I was back to square one. I felt disappointed. But I remebered M's words that, getting that good feeling is like trying to catch a wild bird. You have to be very silent and pure at heart. So I waited. After few weeks again I got the good feeling and it vanished in few days! Then I felt so sad and cursed myself for not being pure at heart and also for not being thirsty enough!  I thought none of the others had this problem, because I always see them very blissful. I became paranoid of losing the good feeling whenever I get it! Because of my paranoia I stopped getting the feeling for months. Also M used to tell that fear is a big enemy for getting to that feeling, and he said it is our parents and the whole world that inculcate fear in us when we are children. So I started cursing my parents for all my problems. My parents were always against me going into this. In fact I got K without their knowledge. They were sad that I'm behaving strangely. Somedays I will be all smiling and laughing to them and some days I will be shouting at them when I lose my good feeling!

Meanwhile I got admission to pursue higher studies in US and I was happy because I could attend M's live events instead of the videos! In US, I spend all my money to buy air tickets to M's events and I was soon in debts. After one year of stay in US, I was getting more and more depressed. I started practicing K intermittently, because I was feeling dejected with this whole process. I thought something was wrong with me. Then I read about anxiety disorders on the internet and to my horror I discovered that I had all the symptoms. That made me more depressed. I thought this is a permanent problem which cannot be cured. I felt suicidal. I thought there is no point living in this world with a mental disease. One day I went to a counsellor, but she didn't understand my situation. She just asked me to practice relaxation techniques. When I told her about Knowledge, she encouraged me to practice it whenever I felt sad. She couldn't understand my probelms may be because of cultural differences. My parents send me airtickets to India. So I went home in a bad state. I met a doctor there. He asked me about Knowledge and I broke one of the promises I had made to Maharaji, I showed the technique to him. The doctor told me that this is one of the most powerful meditation techniques and this shoudn't be practised when my health is in danger and also without proper guidance from the Guru. He told me that this technique should be practised only under the personal and individual care of a Guru and not just by listening to videos. But I was reluctant to give up practice. So he asked me to practice it after one year when I'm feeling better. He also gave me medication. (I was on medication for a year!) Within two weeks, I was fine and feeling better. I apologised to my parents. I felt a lot closer to my family than before. I blamed all my problems to the fact that I was away from my loved ones in a foreign country. I never suspected M and K are the culprits or my mind was not willing to accept it even after my doctor told me at my face.

 I came back to US to continue my education. After three months, I resumed practicing K. After few months, again I was feeling depressed and suicidal. But I always knew that I'm the big hope for my family. If I'm gone, my parents will be totally heart broken. They won't be able to take it. Somehow I kept on going. I used to call India and talk with my family every day to keep myself away from suicide. Anyway from the last six months I stopped practising K, because I was not enjoying it at all. I was feeling better but I was still sad. Something was missing. I lost my aggressive nature. I was always in fear of something. I was behaving like a victim always. I couldn't stand up to anyone. Everybody started using me, because I never had the courage to say no to anyone. Few weeks back one day, I sat down and started writing down all the things that I have done in my life from my childhood to this point on an year by year basis. I have a fantastic memory, so it was easy for me to write down all the important events in my life. I noticed my change in personality started when I was 22, then it struck me that may be it has to so with M and K. Before I was a smart friendly person full of enthisuiasm. Then I started visiting the ex-premie websites and this forum. I was shocked to find that many people who are in cults also have my problems. I also read about the shocking discoveries made by ex-premies about M. I was feeling relieved as well as angry at M for his cold face lies..

I felt as if a big load has been removed from my shoulders. On the whole I'm happy that it was never my fault that I had problems. I'm happy that it is M and his K who are the cultprits. After that incident I feel very happy about this life. I'm slowly becoming more aggressive. I'm gaining myself back. Now I don't care about the purpose of life and other such stupid questions. Life is too precious to be wasted in search for answers to such questions. I don't want to give another oppurtunity to any monster like M to take control of me again in future. I'm definitely a wise man now.

I'm still a student. In future when I have a job and when I can stand on my feet, I want to do something. I want to see M say sorry to me and all the premies and ex-premies. I don't know what I can do. Something will definitely turn up. In India we have a saying 'Satyam Eva Jayathe' meaning only truth will win eventually. May truth win!

IG,

Thanks so much for writing your story here, and for allowing it to be published on the journey section of EPO.   Such good English.  And it is so interesting to hear from somebody from India.   I wonder what all the Indian premies would think if they knew that Prem Rawat eats meat, smokes cigarettes, drinks liquor, has a long-time mistress, etc.  Don't Indians think that their guru should live a spiritual lifestyle?

I think that Rawat's teaching does lead to a person being overly concerned with maintaining a certain detachment from the world in favor of an inner focus on a sort of blank mental state.  It's almost like smoking dope all day long.  I think it is very unbalanced and I think that a person's happiness depends on many factors that some people term "worldly." 

Good luck to you!

I don't think the ordinary Indian premies know about Rawat smoking cigarettes, drinking liquor and having a mistress. They will refuse to believe it. In India most of the premies are very poor and innocent villagers who gets attracted to M because of his ability to speak in very good Hindi. Middle class Indians might not have a problem with M eating meat. But his other habits are considered taboo for a spiritually 'enlightened' man by all walks of our society. I didn't know about his habits until I visited EPO and read firsthand experiences of ex-premies. Recently another Godmen of the Shankaracharaya fame was arrested in India for involvement in the murder of his temple manager.

http://news.indiainfo.com/2004/11/12/1211seer.html