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Editor's Note: Wow! Reach out and touch someone! By the time you read this the phone number that Jim called will have been disconnected.

As soon as Jim gets a response from Maharaji it will be posted here!

Date:

From:

Jim

Email:

To:

All

Subject:

Hey, I just called him!
Message:
I just called that number I have for Maharaji, 310-457-5561. Now, before any of you lurking PAMs out there get any fancy ideas about invasion of privacy, think a bit. Here's my former Guru, who took all my money, who implored me to surrender the reigns of my life to him, who commanded me to never doubt him, who at various times assured me that 'his door was always open' (don't worry, we've got the quotes around here somewhere), who has become, by his own gloating account, a 'successful private investor' WITH my money, who bought himself a magnificent mansion -- or two -- WITH my money, who promotes himself via the worldwide web as a Master, etc. etc.

And what? I can't call him once every twenty-five years or so?

Give me a break, eh? Give me a break.

So I called him.

A woman's voice answers:

You have reached the Rawat residence. For Mr. Rawat press two, for Mrs. Rawat press one, for Barney the plant [joke!]..... I pressed two.

Ring, ring, ring, ring (What am I going to say if he answers? Oh well, I guess I'll just play it by ear...)

Anyway, he doesn't answer. Instead I get that woman's voice again. (I could swear she's the same BBC voice that narrated Satguru Has Come -- '...but the true light never dies...'). Would I like to leave a message for Mr. Rawat? You betcha!

I talked for about a minute. Typical Jim shit. 'Hi, it's Jim Heller, your former follower, you mgith know me from the ex-premie web site. I'm pretty frustrated, Maharaji. I've sent you registered mail, emailed you lots, tried to get messages through some of your closer minions. But you never replied. Not once.

And to think of all the time I gave you, the trust you extracted, the money you drew from my humble existence.

So now things are changing a bit, aren't they? Isn't it clear, Maharaji, that you can't hide from your former followers forever? Like take this Jagdeo thing. I know you're aware of it. It appears that you were advised at least twice in the seventies that Jagdeo was molesting premie kids. Yet you never took him out of commission. Do you really think it sits well with anyone that you don't even comment on this? Come on, Maharaji, think about it!

Anyway, here's my number. I think you have a strong, strong obligation to get back to us somehow. There are a lot of serious, unanswered questions hanging in the air. If you have any respect whatsoever for the people who once trusted you with all their hearts, it's time to begin some real communication.'

Something like that.

Date:

Tues, Sep 28, 1999 at 21:08:45 (EDT)

From:

Nigel

Email:

To:

All

Subject:

You can't talk to a master like that..!
Message:
It's gonna backfire on you here, Jim. And I mean badly. Humpty has been keeping his POWERS in reserve - 64 tried and tested yogic ones, I have it on divine authority (admittedly his own), but has never used them once. Think about it... all that dry powder.

He hasn't used them for one reason only: perfect masters don't do 'sideshow tricks' (as op once assured us, though she also insisted she had seen M do 'miracles that would put Jesus to shame').

Just imagine if he got one of those powers out of the bag right now - not the one that turns motorways around, or that other one that puts rainbows in the sky, or that other, other one that sends premies to hell if they go home for Christmas ... but, say, power number Seventeen (a) which is all about squashing skeptics who don't like him very much... well, let's face it - you are carrying on like a guy with a death wish. He'll crumble ya like an oxo cube, sooner than say; 'I am one ignorant fucking shit who has fucked up people's lives, big time'. Believe me.

But nice post, all the same, Jim. It's been nice knowing ya... your karma, not mine, etc.

Date:

Tues, Sep 28, 1999 at 22:20:02 (EDT)

From:

Jim

Email:

To:

All

Subject:

Are they going to send Christopher Walken?
Message:
Nigel,

I figure if he attacks with one of his minor eight powers, I can hold out for up to eigth minutes while I wait for help. Now he's not going to attack with any of his bigger stuff yet because I happen to know (thanks Linda Gross!) that most of Maharaji's powers, including the big, scary ones, aren't calibrated for North America. In fact, truth be told (and why not I ask you?), Maharaji left between 40 and 50 powers in India. And, as you know, there are still a few in England that he's not going to use anytime soon. That's a given.

No, the stuff I'm worried about is all the shit he could try to make happen with those eight minor powers right off the bat. But, again, I'm ready for him. I'm holed up in my little chinatown (oops, I gave away what part of town I live in!) apartment and I'm armed. Come on, guru. Send Walken, send Barney, send anyone you want. I'm ready and I'm not going down easy.

Nice knowing you too, Nige, but I wouldn't be so sure you won't be having to dish me out some of them gulab jamons at the next ex-premie picnic (in Latvia, wasn't it?).

Date:

Tues, Sep 28, 1999 at 23:26:58 (EDT)

From:

bb

Email:

To:

All

Subject:

Re: And the worst part?
Message:
Imagine the message sheep will leave.
No mention of anything in his letter to mission
droids about jerkdeo.

Some blabber about practicing and thanks and even an
'i love you!'

Thanks for the number you mad genius.
Why dont you write down all the options they give you at
the end?
I couldnt understand all of them.
I used 'emergency' as my choice.

Date:

Wed, Sep 29, 1999 at 01:33:11 (EDT)

From:

phone logs

Email:

To:

All

Subject:

Re: Is monica available for phone sex?
Message:
Prem, babe, this is Marvin at Rodeo Watch,
We just got a watch in that you have got to have,
I'm sending it out for you to see.
It's a minitureized flat screen tv with internet.
I'll send you the gold and platinum.
I'm sure you'll want both.

Mr Rawat? This is John Warner at the Goldman gallery,
we have a question about the Crystal you have ordered
for your collection. Please give us a call.

Maharaji? This is Monica, I'm pissed at you
for the way you behaved last night, I thought you promised
to straighten up and get your drinking under control.
I want you to go back to the AA meetings. I'll pick
you up today at 6:30. No excuses this time buster.

Mr Rawat? This is Sgt. Bannon at the Malubu police dept.
Your son Hans is here, we have arrested him for
possession of illegal substances. We need you to come
down and pick him up.

Hi this is Jim Heller from the ex-premie forum...

Hey fake lord this is Joe Whalen, I want my 30 thousand
dollars back...

Number One, this is alpha, your car is ready.

Mr Rawat? This is Jeanne Burke, My son came home in
1985 from your cult but he could not break free from
the idea that you were the lord. Life is a reality and
where in the world did you get the idea that family and love was not the answer?
There is no consolation in knowing that time ran out before
you made amends with your own mother.
Your mom dying before you got around to realizing the
need you had to straighten it all out is no consolation
for those of us that lost our children while you slowly
figured it out.
Your thinking that life has no god still is just more of
your short sightedness.
When you are good and drunk, and you replay the old
videos dancing in the crown with all the thousands,
you must take the crown out of the closet and put it on
and dance like it was 1979 all over again and the
glory of it all!
But unless y2k gets Russia to send a nuke over to the
US and the electromagnetic pulse erases all the archives,
your history is online and available and blocks your
returning as god incarnate to the innocent masses.

5 Brighter than 1000 suns as seen through night vision goggles4 As bright as the lights on Maharaji's jet3 As bright as a 60 watt light bulb2 As bright as a pile of burning ghi on a swinging arti tray1 As bright as the inner light as seen by the third eyeOther