I've talked somewhat in other posts of my experience at an AFF recovery workshop for former cult members 3 weeks in New York.
While this forum has given me the opportunity to talk to you in this bit of cyberspace that we all share about my experience in the cult and more specifically about my 4 year association with amtext, this was the first time that I was able to share my story with a group of people in a face to face setting.
It meant alot to me to be able to hear other peoples' stories and to tell my own in an atmosphere of total acceptance and in a place where we could look into each others eyes as all this was being shared.
There were no agendas that had to be proven, no atmosphere of one upmanship...just speaking the truth and going through the process of understanding a little deeper of how we all got into our respective cults, why we stayed as long as we did, what it was that led us out, and of course, what we all have to learn on the path of recovery in breaking free.
And so I shared with my fellow participants many of the same stories that I've shared with you on this forum and I even shared with them some of the stories that I've heard others tell here, in my effort to communicate what our former stinking little cult was all about in general, and my experience of it in particular
As I spoke there were times that I was able to share alot of humour...lets face it...Gooey is somewhat of a gas when you come to think of it, and on more than one occasion I had my fellow participants laughing good and hard. And it felt good to know that I had developed some kind of distance from my 26 year involvement that I could laugh about it and make other people laugh as well.
And there were other times and one in particular as I spoke about my Amtext experience and the utter headfuckery that I was subjected to when I became a premie buyer non grata, and I have no doubt that everone in the room could feel my grief and pain resulting from all of that. Again I could look into the eyes of my fellow participants and they could look into my own, and I have no doubt that they knew I was being totally genuine and sincere as I was speaking. There was one particular moment as I was speaking about my Amtext experience when I paused in mid sentence to gather my thoughts, and I swear you could here a pin drop in that room.
And so I learned that I carry two things within me
as a result of my entire cultic involvement. There's a genuine joy that I'm out of the cult, that I no longer have to live my life, living and breathing Maharaji's deception and the phoniness and fakery that is so characteristic of premies caught in their cult funk. I can move away from that and I now have the freedom to create a life for myself where I can speak the truth as I see it
and develop friendships that with people who are genuine. Even where I make mistakes and fall into a pit of insANA T, I can learn and move on. I don't have to wait for the next video, the next event, the next visit to the residence and another plastic pyramid. I don't have to shut myself off from the world and pretend that my salvation can be found in my breath or in blocking my ears and tasting more of my nasal snot, whatever. I can be real. I can speak the truth.
There's a joy in knowing that, and it really does bring a smile to my face when I think about it.
But I also carry with me some pain and some grief.
Pain because I know I was fucked with, and grief for that which was lost and can never recovered. Its a grief that I'll never overcome totally but hopefully I'll find a way to incorporate it in my life in such a a way that I can move forward, and live my life as fully and as genuinely as possible.
I want to continue talking about my story of involvement in the cult, but not in this medium. I want to do it as I did at that workshop, face to face, where I can look into peoples eyes and they can look into mine.
And I want to be an activist in seeking justice regarding the destructiveness that Maharaji and his cult have brought into so many lives. In fact I want to set a fire under his holy lotus feet so intense, that there'll be nothing left for premies to kiss but two lumps of charcoal. Metaphysically speaking of course:)
I hope this forum continues with a vibrancy to it, and that people who have been or are some way affected by m and his cult can plug into this ongoing discussion of 'Anything and Everything about Maharaji and his Followers'. Its helped a lot of people, and there are still so many here who have a lot to be proud of for their contribution.
I'll be taking with me some friendships , people I look forward to staying in touch with and a confidence that I can now truly stand on my own two feet. In that, my departure from the forum need not be looked upon as a loss, but as a testament to the fact that this forum works and that people are helped, even if its sometimes hard to see how.
There are really quite a few people here who I have great respect for, and I wish everyone who has played their part with truthfullness and courage all the best.
You've given me alot and I only hope, that with all the mistakes I've made here that I've been able to contribute something positive in return even if its only been a little compared to what I received.
Thanks again, and know that I remain,
And with love to you all,