What I can say to your post is that the cult created the circumstances necessary for me to lie and lead a double life. I seldom spoke at public events (but went above and beyond to arrange them!) and when asked by a co-worker or someone, "So what is this guru thing I heard you were involved in?," I'd say something deflective like "Oh nothing really, just some simple meditation techniques I do," hoping that the conversation would quickly change topics.

At least that was more honest than the "propagation fake talk" you referred to. Again, I doubt that Rawat was smart enough to plot a classic "bait and switch," but premies were masters of the technique. Lure them in with watered down propagation fake talk and reel them in until they figure out that the guru/teacher/master/Rawat is god. "You see, we couldn't tell you that up-front, but we're so glad you understand now!" wink wink. As evidenced by the false pretenses/ulterior motives of prestige event infiltrations, university appearances, "Global Ambassador of Peace" (a pathetic cry for legitimacy) and all the rest, the depths and deceptions only escalated in the scheming upper echelons.

Back to the double life, I was extremely fearful of the shame of being ostracized for following a guru. Due to my childhood, I already had enough to hide, so fitting in like a chameleon was essential to my already challenged sense of normalcy and well-being.

Not long ago, I was asked about what triggered a near breakdown during the Team Trainings. Now I remember! In the context of the isolation, intensity and threat of being banned from service, it was when the instructor pointed towards the ceiling and sternly said, "From this point, we're going up!" My brain flickered Jonestown for a millisecond and instantly conjured the prospect of being ordered to to go public in an unprecedented and highly visible way - literally one of my biggest fears that would force me to choose between the cult and my everyday life, career and livelihood, two worlds that could not possibly co-exist without diving even deeper into an espionage-like covert, under cover double life, i.e., unbearable stress.

It makes me sick to reflect on all the devastating ripple effects (tidal waves even) on everyone associated with that cult. Hopefully, it will finally end with the grandchildren of the original premie generation.