Here's a letter Marolyn wrote someone who had served M closely for years. This person had heard M once say that we 'create our own problems' and that puzzled her. Apparently, at Amaroo she asked M how that could be given the plight of abused children, for example. Did they create their own problems? M rambled on without really answering, so she wrote him a letter. No answer. Then she tried to track down her old friend Marolyn. She couldn't get through to Marolyn who, it turns out, was still convalescing from her brain surgery. But the friend was just blown off fairly rudely by the people who answered so she, the friend, wrote Marolyn a letter. This is the reply:
[Note: the following was transcibed from a handwritten letter. Original punctuation, spelling and syntax was retained. The name of the person who received the letter was replaced by ___________. Some personal references were omitted - this is noted within the text.]
Saturday, Dec. 6 [1995?]
When I first opened your letter and I saw your name I felt a dual response in me. I felt happy it was from you and at the same time a slight feeling of fear that you were here in town and I would not and could not handle the drama, situation, circumstances surrounding you in your life.
I have had brain surgery and I am recovering. I can not handle much stress - when I see it coming, I back off. It is most challenging, it is a daily process, and I am learning so very much about myself in this process.
First of all, dear ______, I too have such sweet feelings for you. [several personal messages omitted here] I receive many, many reports, requests, etc. from people. I would go crazy trying to fix, advise or become involved and part of the myriad of changing situations in their lives. The couple of times that you have written to me, I did not respond in a written letter - but I sent you my best thoughts, my best wishes, hoping everything would go well for you, [omit personal message].
May I please express to you an apology for the 'rude' response you received when you called last December. I have no idea who answered the telephone. But I must tell you that no one absolutely no one was put through to me via the telephone or any other way. Not my parents - (mom, dad) - my sister - my brothers, any of my relations or my friends. In December, I was still in a crisis stage of my recovery. Here it is December again and I am not out of the woods. I am still in recovery and my neuro surgeon reminds me to be patient as it will probably take three full years or longer.
I had a ruptured aneurysm, (in my brain), three times I was at deaths door. It changed my life. I may not understand why it happened but I do know how precious my breath is to me! I know I don't have time to waste, and spend frivoulessly [sic] on what is worthless to me in this life. Yes, problems, troubles, still come my way, but I try like hell to circumvent them. Sometimes I see that they are like big clouds or thunderstorms and I am a little pilot in a little airplane and I cannot afford to enter - or even (at this point in my life) get near them.
_________, when you talked (wrote) about being vulnerable - ________, I must tell you after this incredible drama of nearly bleeding to death inside my brain, and the torturous drama of brain surgery, the impact it had on me and my sweet family, it left me more vulnerable than I can tell you. There were more complications with the surgery and my nervous system was shot. For months I felt I lived on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel the weakest of the weak. And yet the miracle the majesty of my breath still resides in me. I am humbled and sincerely grateful. I find myself crying every day - my heart astounded I am still here.
What I'm writing to you, _________, is personal - it is for you only. I hope you understand.
After I read your letter, I felt so sad. I've always been hoping that everything was going good for you. I don't know about 'we create our own problems' Certainly for many people, most of us, we do have a lot to do with the problems that surround us. But sometimes it seems like they just get dumped in our lap. I have never felt so helpless, powerless and sensitive and vulnerable at the same time. And for some reason it seems like more 'problems' and 'troubles' came my way during the most critical time of my life. I see that 'yes, I am attached.' And I feel the feelings that go with my attachment even if it is just a thought, a concept, a desire, or my imagination at work.
When I was in the hospital for a month after the emergency surgery I did not feel much attachment. I felt free of so many of the things I normally feel attached to. Before the operation I understand that my moment here is breath by breath and I was only a breath away from death. And if I was to go - if it was my time to go, it's ok. It was just fine. So free. Trusting and feeling taken care of beyond this physical world and all the detail, the ever changing details of my daily life. Everything became very simple.
And now - I must remember the simplicity. There is an ocean of trouble - problems. I don't want to swim in it. My living Master showed me and reminds me thru His Perfect Knowledge how to go inside - how to turn my attention inside. It is my Safe Harbor. It is Real - as everything around me changes (good/bad) Whatever! What he gave me - the way to go inside and the experience it brings me, is Constant - it does not change. My breath - my best friend - still fills me with Life and delight.
You know when you got on the subject of premies, etc. Remember this - a premie is a lover - a lover of love - a lover of Knowledge - a lover of the living Master. Just because a person has received the techniques of Knowledge doesn't mean that they are manifesting as a true lover/premie. This thing called Mind is outrageous. The Heart cries for attention, the mind will abandon. Maharaji spends his life/time reminding those who truly want to hear about the heart. 'Premies' (i.e. those who have received the techniques) are often the cruelest offenders - abandoning - rejecting the Heart's cry (desire) - and that is not a PREMIE - a LOVER. And yet the Master does not shut the door on anyone.
__________, I don't know if M set Dr. Horton up in the office with Dr. Edel. Most likely he wanted a good facility for those he cares about. And Dr. Horton put himself in place. However, _________, this is confidential again, M is very displeased with John for reasons that I know, and also, for reasons that I don't know. I am also very mad (upset) with John for an incident that I cant go into detail right now. So when you expressed your feelings of hurt and frustration I could read you loud and clear. But I also know that these feelings that come to me are not my Reality. I know what is Real. I love what is Real. To me John is in the sea of problems and I don't want to engage myself there.