The thread started below by AJW has a lot of discussion of this. It's tempting to be forgiving and conciliatory to someone you perceived at the time as helpful. For me, it's strictly a rational choice to walk away from an abusive situation where the abusive party had only a marginal knowledge of my existence. It's our own commitment that was profound and well-intentioned. It's Miragey's to take something potentially universal and defile it into a tool of his own hustle.

I saw M a couple of times shortly after leaving, almost stumbling into (very small) programs twice in the 80's. Yeah, there's a seductive quality, but I don't really want to be the slave of some master who doesn't care about my personal safety, much less my dreams as a human.

The first program, I almost challenged him, but that was a heavy ballgame and I didn't feel like playing. The second was a later confirmation that I had done the right thing. I saw zombie-like creatures dragging themselves in and out of the tiny auditorium which remained unfilled, the same people who had been doing the same thing 5 and 10 years earlier. Although they had no financial security whatsoever, they continued living from program to program. I rushed out before I was accosted for living accomodations, food, money, etcetera. (I think that was '85.) 'That beautiful feeling' may have had some nostalgic appeal, but when the lights came on the place was crawling with zombies. There was no way around it.